Do you and your partner find yourselves arguing about the same subject again and again? Maybe it’s about finances, household chores, or perhaps not enough sex. This is not unusual. In fact, most if not all, couples who seek help from the therapists have a relationship or two things that keep coming up.
“Here We Go Again”
Often couples became locked in heated discussions that “Here We Go Again “feeling and usually end up with both partners feel misunderstood and deeply hurt. Two things are striking recurring arguments: first, the intensity, secondly, that the couples themselves to describe the arguments about “trivial” things.
What’s really going on?
The the intensity and frequency with which certain problems may indicate that what you argue about is far more important than the material or who do not take the garbage outside. Among these arguments, you and your partner fighting about your relationship.
Even already working on a solution by finding common ground or a compromise might seem a logical approach to this type of arguments that one can mistake.
Getting to the Heart of the Matter
Relationship therapy may provide a safe space for couples to explore and discuss the deeper more troubling concerns at the heart of things.
Some common topics for discussion include:
- How do you feel about me? (Feeling unacknowledged, dismissed, unloved, disrespected)
- you value me in this relationship? (Feelings of worthlessness, not Good Enough, rejection)
- Feelings of loneliness, isolation or abandonment
Should We try this at home?
Next time you and your partner are locked into one of these arguments, try one or more of the following:
- stop the argument. Tell your partner “Can we stop here? It feels like we hurt each other. What’s this all about?”
- Take a moment to hear hurt in your partner’s anger or defensive. Ask yourself “what did I just say or do to hurt him / her?” If you do not understand how a comment like “you never take out the trash” your partner may get angry or defensive, ask what happened when you made that comment because he / she seemed to hurt.
- Take a timeout. If the argument is heated and the two of you are unable to calm down, take some time to de-escalate, but make sure you let the other know it’s important for you to come back and later more peace talk.
Time reflecting and learning L 1
When only take a moment to assess what was hurtful to you in the argument. Think about what your partner was about hurt. If you feel like talking, approach your partner with an excuse, like “When I said you should never go out of trash you have the feeling that I was not all the other things that you contribute to the relationship to be recognized and I’m sorry. “
Take time later to really understand and hear partner.
Often, how you approach your partner and a later attempt to restore your relationship after a fight is more important than what is said during the argument.
When each of you feels heard and understood by the other, defensive and anger will subside and you both will be in a better place to talk about solutions to the problem that the disagreement began in the first place.
Tags: marriage counselors, marriage therapy, marriage counselingKeith Clemson, Ph.D. is a licensed professional counselor and sought after relationship therapist, with District Psychotherapy Associates in Washington, DC, specializing in couples counseling as well as personal, and family therapy. If you or someone you care about is ready for a safe place to work out issues and find a less hurtful way of being a couple, call 202-986-5491 to see about scheduling an appointment with Keith or one of his colleagues.
